前几天,在公司看着姐姐发送的skype讯息,不知道我可以怎样回复,不知道我可以怎样选择。
回头瞧瞧,爸爸离开家乡好久了吧,在这里,我从前是恨他多过喜欢他的, 因为他在外面胡搞,而且还和马来人有染,生了两个孩子。
我很压抑,那时候,回到那不堪回忆的中三年级到中五这几个年头,老师要求见家长拿成绩单,问我姐姐,怎么办,她语塞了。
后来告诉老师,爸生病了,或outstation做生意,瞒天过海。我们只得继续生活,爸偶然会回来,伸手要钱,喝酒,把不满化成语言当成我长大的饮料每天逼我喝下,让我对叔叔产生复仇的心态,我心想爸还是爸吗?说了一堆他从前如何如何的顾家,如何如何满足家庭虚无的炫耀,承担收有的负担拱起头家,如何栽培叔叔。。其实这些事在我写着这部落格时,是数十年前的事了,你有仔细照镜子看到从前的你吗,那个家伙死了,当他离家时。。
最无辜的莫过于妈妈,她面对的不单是最伤心的一季,而且也因为爸的手段,她也是破产人士之一,欠下银行巨款,失去自由,失去一切,而且身份也同时间接变成单身,这是我可以体会到的。
如今,他突然中风,姐姐问我一个问题,我问了身边的近人这样的一个问题, 他们都没办法满足我的身份的答案;我身为他儿子的答案。这些大概是姐姐写在skype上面的内容:
*Old man, Father is negotiating to bring his two children back, via pleasing your cousin, I don’t know the negotiation status yet, but please be serious to find a place to stay at your area, I might want you to take care of mummy. B’coz something big might happened soon. I call him and tell him I will go fetch him back from xxxx, he post me a question how about his two children. I was trying to save his live now, and he drag the two children down, what’s my concern to them?
*Old man 指的是我,因为我常读她的长篇大论要很久才消化然后回答.
我给不到我姐姐任何圆满的答案,我回复说把孩子暂时放在孤儿院。跟着语塞了。我回心一想how about my mother’s feeling?
两天后的七点半晨,’you online?’, ‘half an hour, travelling to company‘,‘ok, chat skype later’.
I call him today mentioned that we would sponsored him xxx every month, you ok with that? “ok” But the stupid woman on the other side says where got enough and double the price up, I didn’t answer the woman and shut the phone down. What you think? “Look, I am shit and tired of this. If so, cut the offer. I just want to add my previous statement up:
To father:’I know you’re cursing there, about the total dis-respect of the sons and daughter you had in your live, but tell you what I,Johnny will survive harder under curse, we’re trying to save your live, not the rest of what you enjoy over there. In Kuching, you’re only my father, nothing else.
To the woman that enjoy my father there, pleased to hear your answer, but would you do the same to my mother if my sister bring the two kids back home and caused her stroke too. Who is taking care of her then? Who will support her financially? What if she dead ? Please consider this offer, anytime is valid. “
接着不久,我把Skype关了,如果你们站在我的立场上,你们可以怎样?你们像我这样对他吗?或者你们会不顾一切帮他?帮一个离开家数十年的人,帮一个他还自以为是的他吗? 只觉得,我的角色是个身份很灰暗的家伙,某人会暗想,不孝子的下一回合,就是我儿子也会这样对我,哈哈哈,我没有退路,不过一切只是为了让我妈妈开心和少压抑罢了,因为她失去太多太多了。
而且做了这决定后,我不太想回去了,一切就位,安排也妥当了。。
和大家分享这首歌, the climb。。。
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG2zyeVRcbs&feature=related
Miley Cyrus – The Climb
I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what?s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
The struggles I’m facing,
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause
There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I’m going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith